That’s my life. A blank, pitch black square of nothingness. Hovering over every second of my time. This isn’t something I ever thought I would write, but let’s do this.
If you know me, you know me as someone who has always been passionate and excited about life. And I was, until last December.
I had just gone through appendicitis surgery. My weight was down to 42 kilograms. I was already experiencing the worst physical pain of my life and then depression stepped in. I felt my world collapsing, like a house of cards. In less than a week I lost everything, including my motivation. Motivation to work to talk to friends to go out, even to get out of bed or take a shower or brush my teeth. I would spend hours in the bathroom and feel the day tick by so slowly I wish it was night by the time I stepped out so I could go to sleep again. Nothing mattered anymore. I thought this was it, I am probably going to die. It sounds stupid, but if you’ve ever been a situation like that you know how real the feeling is.
I still remember sitting in front of my laptop with my tears rolling over my keyboard. Every second, I died a little. It was a horrible feeling.
I didn’t seek help for the first month or so. I overestimated my capacity to handle this pain I was gifted. But the pain didn’t go away, neither did the overwhelming fatigue I felt, like a sense of doom closing in. I stopped going anywhere alone, I told the ones closest to me to be there with me or I’ll do something, really, really bad. It was dark, I could see my life ahead and it didn’t seem worth living.
I have lived my life away from home since last nine years. I have struggled mentally, physically and financially but I never shared any of it with my parents. Primarily because I didn’t want them to get worried, but this time it was different. I thought this is probably the last few moments of my life so I couldn’t resist myself from sharing what I’m going through. One day on the call with my mum I told how helpless I felt and now I wonder how helpless she felt a thousand miles away learning her son’s in pain and she can’t do a thing about it. And she wouldn’t have been able to do anything even if she was here. It’s difficult to understand depression. I felt I’m letting everyone who believed in me and looked up to me down. It was one horrible feeling stacked over another. I would wake up in the morning and feel my lungs busted, as if someone was standing on my chest, I would go back to sleep. Ending it all in a split seemed totally viable.
One of the bad things about the depression is you can’t tell if someone’s going through it just by looking. It’s all on the inside. Depression is a mixture of sadness, hopelessness, emptiness, numbness, worthlessness and a million other emotions that cannot be explained so easily. No matter how bad you want the person in front of you to know how you feel you just can’t put it in words. But someone had to know what was going on inside of me, someone who would understand.
In a desperate attempt to improve my situation I went to see a therapist and had regular sessions for a few months. But the situation did not improve and eventually I was put up on antidepressants and some other meds. I remember rushing to the bathroom and locking myself in and then crying for an hour just after my psychologist told me she needed to put me on meds because I was getting worst. I never thought a person like me would be put on antidepressants. It’s crazy how life can change so quickly, either for better or for worse.
As I started opening up more I found some who understood my situation. I feel endless gratitude for my parents, brother, my psychiatrist, my psychologist and my friends. I am still not a hundred percent okay. I still face days of overbearing sadness and loneliness. I am still suffering and recovering and in pain. I still break down randomly while talking to my close friends. I still have mornings when I don’t want to wake up. I still am not sure how my life is going to pan out. I still have no idea where I am headed personally and professionally. I have headaches, I feel lost. But I have hope now, I am aware what I am going through and I know these times will pass. They always do.
On the other side of the coin, this pain I live through is making me stronger and wiser. I have become much more emotional now and I can understand and connect with people better. These last few months have shown me how even the most unfair and difficult situations in life can inspire immense moments of joy and deep, meaningful change. I know life now. I know how to deal with grief, loss, depression, and hardships because sooner or later you’ll have to, over and over again. Grief and loss are woven into the very fabric of life. No one goes out this life unharmed, it comes to all of us eventually. If you are in this situation or ever be in, here’s what I want you to understand.
You cannot be strong and happy all the time. There will be times when you will be weak and screaming for help. Sometimes life will defeat you and there’ll be nothing you could do about it. Those times will teach you more about life than happiness ever will. A few people asked me to not share my story because depression and mental health issues are signs of weakness, and god forbid if people know you’re weak. If you have such people in your life, don’t listen to them.
This article is not a call for sympathy, I want to do my part, as little as it adds I want to spread awareness about mental health issues. The world needs to understand that depression is real and millions suffer from it. I want to tell you that if you are having any signs of mental illness, talk to your friends, seek professional help if you have to. Don’t isolate yourself, reach out, be vulnerable, it’s the most courageous thing you will ever do. Feel free to ping me anytime if you just need someone to talk to. People are in a lot of pain, let’s take care of each other.
#NotAshamed
Huge thanks to my great friend Nash Vail for helping me writing this article. If you found my journey inspiring please do share it, you don’t know how much difference it could make in someone's life. If you shed tears while reading this, I can literally feel what you’re going through. Take care.
Update 1: It’s September 2019. A lot of people approached me and asked me about how I’m doing. Thanks, everyone. I’m in a much better mental state. I have stopped seeing my therapist which is a good sign. The fact that I’m back to being hopeful for the future is huge. Being in a dark place is way more tolerable when you see the way out. I’ll be writing more on my journey soon. Also, if you ever need help or just want to chat about things; email me — svnitakash at gmail.com
Update 2: It’s 25th March 2020, which means I’m updating this exactly after a year. A lot has happened in the last 365 days. I left my full-time job and joined my friends at 2586Labs. I dedicated myself to a mission. A mission to serve people. I also traveled to Europe which helped me a lot in finding perspective. Recently went to Denver and experienced the coldest weather :) Looking back I’m really grateful for whatever I experienced. I’ll just end this with the following quote -
“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
Further reading -
https://zachholman.com/posts/the-depression-thing
